Recovery

I wanted to take a second to talk about recovery. Recovery is a continuing process, it does not ever stop. It becomes easier over time but I am always working. The last month has really been a struggle for me in my recovery from PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Sometimes I don't even feel like I'm in recovery. But my best friend helped to remind me that relapse is all a part of recovery. It's hard to shed years and years of conditioning. I have to work everyday to remind myself that I do have control over my body and my reactions. By no means is it easy. It's exhausting and sometimes I can't fight it. I let go to the misery inside and I try hard to let go in a healthy way, I try to create new pathways, new learned behaviors to take over the old but like I said it's hard. When you've spent years and years on the floor of the bathroom next to the toilet throwing up or on the ground in the shower not able to move, something about those spaces become comfortable...its what I'm used to. Sometimes when I'm in the space of misery I know if I just go in the tank or go for a walk or call my friend it will make me feel better but I can't bring myself to do it and the times that I do I am fighting every bone in my body to do it. Like I said my brain is comfortable in that space and it doesn't want to get out, it knows if I reach for those skills I will come out which is why it prevents me from doing it. I just have to keep on. I'm training my brain to use new coping skills to take the place of the unhealthy ones. I don't need to continue to go to those spaces of misery it's not necessary and I give myself permission to let go of those spaces. I give you permission too. When you think life is manifesting you remember you are manifesting it!